Dear Friends,
A few months ago I set about to put together a pet project of mine called Speaking Peace. I wrote an introduction and I even preached that introduction one Sunday, and then the whole thing ground to a halt. I couldn't write anything that seemed right, so I put it away for another day.
I hope that today is that day, because I'm trying again.
I know a lot about non-violent communication. I've studied it. I've studied the origins of language and I understand on an intellectual level the way that language is rooted in violence. I've taught all this to a lot of people in a lot of different settings and folks have found the techniques helpful and often revealing. Still, I couldn't write a book full of techniques and explanations. Something stopped me. Someone stopped me.
I guess the world doesn't need another book of "how-to" on communication. Heaven knows there are enough of them already, and all I've done so far is rework the work of others and add some of my own insights and some Scriptural and mimetic-theory foundations. I don't want to write another guide that says basically, "Don't do it this way, do it this way instead." I know how resistant people are when they are exposed to the violence of their language. Our patterns of speech are so deeply ingrained and so unconscious that we absolutely hate trying to change them. People walk on eggshells as they try to find new pathways for communicating with each other and it gets pretty old pretty fast.
Some of that can't be avoided, I suppose. I know that my own way of speaking is deeply colored by my sin. When I dare to pay attention to the way I put words together I am frequently convicted of sin and drawn to a place of repentance. (As I write I'm wearing out the backspace key just correcting myself as I go along here!) I guess that's why I don't pay attention all the time. I can't stand it. Still, I try to pay attention in important moments and at some other times so that I can slowly form new habits and hopefully change the way I speak when I'm not paying attention.
But I am not going to write about what not to say. I hope that I'll be able to lay bare some of the truths of our language, but only so that you'll discover a desire in yourself for something else.
And I'll try to avoid writing about what to say or how to say things. I may give some examples, but not for imitation's sake. Instead, I would like to create a new way of approaching communication that says something like this, "We tend to speak what we hear, to speak like the one or One we're listening to. If we don't like the results we're getting with the way we're speaking now, the solution isn't to change our words, but change our ears. When I'm speaking violently, who am I really hearing in that moment? Whose voice echoes in my ears? What or who can I listen to instead?"
I shared some of these thoughts with my good friend Sue recently, and God gave her this Scripture to help me. “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45 ESV) I think that we can learn to let our speech be an indicator without making it a project. Instead, I want to make my heart the project, believing that as I allow my Father to Speak Peace to me, I will also discover that I'm doing the same into the lives of those around me.
This is such a backwards approach though, that I hardly know where to start. I do hope that you'll all be patient with me as I share my process in the weekly emails I'm going to try to resume writing. I hope also that you'll raise questions and objections to keep me honest and accountable as I work all this out.
In Him,
A few months ago I set about to put together a pet project of mine called Speaking Peace. I wrote an introduction and I even preached that introduction one Sunday, and then the whole thing ground to a halt. I couldn't write anything that seemed right, so I put it away for another day.
I hope that today is that day, because I'm trying again.
I know a lot about non-violent communication. I've studied it. I've studied the origins of language and I understand on an intellectual level the way that language is rooted in violence. I've taught all this to a lot of people in a lot of different settings and folks have found the techniques helpful and often revealing. Still, I couldn't write a book full of techniques and explanations. Something stopped me. Someone stopped me.
I guess the world doesn't need another book of "how-to" on communication. Heaven knows there are enough of them already, and all I've done so far is rework the work of others and add some of my own insights and some Scriptural and mimetic-theory foundations. I don't want to write another guide that says basically, "Don't do it this way, do it this way instead." I know how resistant people are when they are exposed to the violence of their language. Our patterns of speech are so deeply ingrained and so unconscious that we absolutely hate trying to change them. People walk on eggshells as they try to find new pathways for communicating with each other and it gets pretty old pretty fast.
Some of that can't be avoided, I suppose. I know that my own way of speaking is deeply colored by my sin. When I dare to pay attention to the way I put words together I am frequently convicted of sin and drawn to a place of repentance. (As I write I'm wearing out the backspace key just correcting myself as I go along here!) I guess that's why I don't pay attention all the time. I can't stand it. Still, I try to pay attention in important moments and at some other times so that I can slowly form new habits and hopefully change the way I speak when I'm not paying attention.
But I am not going to write about what not to say. I hope that I'll be able to lay bare some of the truths of our language, but only so that you'll discover a desire in yourself for something else.
And I'll try to avoid writing about what to say or how to say things. I may give some examples, but not for imitation's sake. Instead, I would like to create a new way of approaching communication that says something like this, "We tend to speak what we hear, to speak like the one or One we're listening to. If we don't like the results we're getting with the way we're speaking now, the solution isn't to change our words, but change our ears. When I'm speaking violently, who am I really hearing in that moment? Whose voice echoes in my ears? What or who can I listen to instead?"
I shared some of these thoughts with my good friend Sue recently, and God gave her this Scripture to help me. “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45 ESV) I think that we can learn to let our speech be an indicator without making it a project. Instead, I want to make my heart the project, believing that as I allow my Father to Speak Peace to me, I will also discover that I'm doing the same into the lives of those around me.
This is such a backwards approach though, that I hardly know where to start. I do hope that you'll all be patient with me as I share my process in the weekly emails I'm going to try to resume writing. I hope also that you'll raise questions and objections to keep me honest and accountable as I work all this out.
In Him,
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